Trigger warning for being triggered by thin/ill people...

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hi everyone,

i am currently considering treatment in either cambridge eating disorder center (visited but never received treatment there), walden behavioral (was inpatient there back in 2005), an laurel hill inn (did their day program only in 2005). if any of you have been to any of these three facilities in the past few years, i would *really* appreciate it if you could contact me as i have some questions. my personal e-mail is plainsong 76 at g mail dot com (hope lj allowed that- if not, reply here). thanks so much!

Do any of you find that post-recovery, or even before you developed your ED (or during) you are obsessed with food? Aside from the ED obsessions, that is. I find that I sometimes hide certain foods for fear that someone else will eat them all. I also hide some things because I often comfort eat sweets now that I'm *cough..recovered* and am embarassed for my bf to know. I find that at work I am way more focused on eating than others. For example, I'm more concerned about getting my break on time so I can eat, and I go out of my way to get a nice lunch while others just eat whatever and don't care so much what they eat really.

Also, does anyone else find themselves embarassed to eat at work/school/in front of others? Lately every time I've had my lunch at work, I'll always end up just me and one other person who is either not eating or is just eating a snack. I'll have my meal and will be totally embarassed sitting there eating it...especially when it is quiet. I'll often just not eat it or pick at it, wishing they would leave, and then finally eat when they leave. It's sad, really. Can anyone else relate to that?

Hello all - I am new here - both to the community as well as LJ. I have had an ED/ ED thoughts and tendencies since I was as young as 7, but it took on a whole new meaning for me from the age of 19-22. I went through a stressful time in my personal life, and my outlet (unbeknownst to me at the time) became severe restriction, obsessive calorie counting, and exercise . After quite some time, when I could no longer physically continue as the perfect, obedient anorexic, my disease developed into a combination of severe restriction, binging, purging, exercise, and laxative abuse. After years, my mind was exhausted from the relentless mental beatdowns that (as you know) are one and the same with the disease. At about the same time that I graduated college and got my first job, a change occurred - my disease flipped and suddenly my binges were no longer temporary - they were constant and unavoidable. I had made the decision that, due to the frequency of the binges, I could not continue with the purging. This (I suppose) was a step forward, but it was only a small win. I still had my disease, with all of its toxic and self-defeating thoughts, it had merely taken on a different form. It wasn't until this point that I decided to get help -- and only because I was scared that if I didn't I would -- God forbid -- get "fat". I suppose in this sense, the binge eating was my saving grace. During the beginning of my therapy I thought my only problem was that I was a binge eater - I couldn't acknowledge to myself that I had been anorexic with bulemic tendencies for 3 yrs. (I wouldn't acknowledge it because at the time I wanted to regain all of that control -- it was my gold standard of a mental state).

After being in therapy on-and-off for 2 yrs now I can fully acknowledge that I had severe problems. The problem, however, is that despite my "physical" recovery, I am mentally just not there yet. Recently I have been having horrible binge episodes and I just don't know how to stop them. They leave me so depressed and sad that I am 24 and this is still controlling my life. I regret so much all the time that I've wasted. I look around and see others my age living their life to the fullest and taking advantage of the time they've been blessed with and I can't help but berate myself for sinking away and hiding behind my ED.

ANYWAYS, that is my rant. So, to sum up -- nice to meet you! I hope some of you can empathize, offer your thoughts, and that in turn I can do the same for you. I think that we are stronger together, knowing that we are not alone. Since I am new to LJ please let me know who on here I can befriend :-)

Hi everyone,
I'm seeking advice or just don't want to be alone with this. I started on birth control pills almost a month ago, and a week ago I came down with some sort of cold or flu with fever, chills, nausea ect. I've lost weight this week, not sure how much because I don't weigh myself, but I can tell my jeans are falling off me. That feeling gives my huge amounts of anxiety, partly because any weight I loose is really hard to put back the right way. I think I'm dehydrated but every time I drink I throw up. I feel really alone like I miss my mom (dead) and wish someone was here to take care of me. Why the hell can't I just take care of my self?! I feel pathetic. I'm so sick, and I'm not helping anything by crying like this. Anyone available to chat? I'm drowning in my own toxic thoughts here...too dizzy to drive...considering hospital but only as a last resort...thanks...

Hey guys,

I was asked to write (/offered to write) a testimonial for the RTC I was at this winter. I absolutely think they are a phenomenal facility and an excellent program, especially after being in a few shitty programs.

If you were looking at a testimonial from a program, what sort of things would make you interested in at least looking into the program more? I wrote a draft, but I'm not sure I've said appropriate things.

Thanks =]

How did your center/team determine your target range (if applicable)?

I hope this makes sense without numbers as they aren't not allowed here...I want it to be non-triggering, if possible.

I went to an IOP program a while back, and I was told that "...research shows that chances of recovery are better if the target BMI is "at least  XX...your brain chemistry will change once you hit this weight" to which I thought silently, "and what were the demographics of the participants in these research studies?" I suspect that they were primarily based on studies with Caucasian females. If I gain XX pounds from my top of my target range, I will be in the overweight category according to the new recommended guidelines for certain groups of Asian descent. However, using the "general" calculator, it is Y lbs ON TOP of the XX pounds from being overweight...so it is further away from being overweight. That's a big difference on someone short like me.

I have been unhealthily obsessing over research articles indicating that BMI calculations in relation to actual body fat measured differs among ethnic groups. Specifically, certain subgroups of Asians have higher body fat as the average Caucasian of the same age, sex, and BMI.  There have been studies researching this for over a decade, and changes in determining overweight/obesity criteria for different groups has been used and suggested. This leads me to not trusting my recommended BMI range because I feel that it is simply reflective of the nutritionist's usage of a sweeping belief that I have to be at a BMI of XX in order to be healthy according to other patients that she has worked with (and I doubt a large percentage of them were non-White) ....however, me at a BMI of XX will mean that I might have a higher fat percentage than someone else of my same height from a different ethnic background and I'm really scared to let that happen.

I know my body and my body at my target range feels like too much. I don't think it is my ED talking. I feel like it is unfair that nobody will take me seriously because they will just say, "Oh, that's your eating disorder talking!!!" when there is research out there noting that hey, not everyone was made exactly the same...our bodies are unique based on ethnicity, gender, frame, etc.

Thoughts on how target weights are calculated? I feel like they want to set a minimum of the popular BMI of at least XX  for everyone in order to avoid outcry from other patients who will think it isn't fair or triggering which I do understand.

Hey everyone! I'm a frequent reader but I haven't posted in a looong time, I used to post under dancinggirrl more in 2008/2009 at the height of my anorexia.  Basically from about 15-21 I suffered from my ED in silence, and finally got help at 21. I saw a ED specialist for almost a year, then went to general counselling for about a year after for depression and not being able to get my life together. I'm having a hard time fighting off depression because I feel like the best time of my life was tainted to a significant extent by the ED. I had fun times but spent so much time depressed and obsessed with the anorexia. For a year I took off of university all I did was work, hate my life (and job), lay around depressed, and did nothing as a result. Now at 24, I feel old because I can't get those years back and I can't seem to come to terms with it. I can't believe I wasted 22 years old being depressed. A 15 year old who is doing a co-op/work experience thing at my work today left me almost crying while I worked because I so longed to be at her age again, when my problems started...and do it all again better. The eating disorder is trying to creep back in telling me "well, you screwed up your life, come back to me and I'll make you feel better". Sorry, this seems kind of random, but I thought maybe some fellow ED-sufferers or past-sufferers might relate and make me feel less crazy. Any advice for figuring out how to move on and start living again?